Here’s every spear I spotted in the new Elden Ring DLC trailer, rated for their predicted plot relevance

We just got a new Elden Ring: Shadow Of The Erdtree story trailer yesterday. As is their druthers, FromSoft have at once made the events it depicts feel of earth-shattering importance while providing basically no concrete information. A lot of people will be putting out gargantuan theory posts right now, rambling on about Miquella, the Crucible, the Golden Order blah blah. This is all a distraction. Anyone with eyes can tell you that the primary movers and shakers of this final chapter in the Lands Between are a secret faction of hitherto secret spear people. You're likely confused, and that's understandable. As the foremost authority on ephemeral nonsense in Elden Ring, I’m the only one who has your back here.

The first ill omen portenting toward the encroaching spear-mageddon that threatens to consume Elden Ring’s world is cleverly disguised as just ‘a bunch of blokes with spears’. If you look closely, you’ll notice single bloke with an axe. This is what tipped me off, you see. If everyone had spears, I wouldn’t be so suspicious, but this this single axe feels like a such a fat carp hastily painted red and herring-shaped. It’s meant to convince us the spear people aren’t taking over, but I know better.

After a close-up shot of another soldier pulling his - you guessed it - spear from a corpse. We’re treated to this telling shot:

It’s like they’re not even trying to hide it anymore! Look at the corpse! Also, look at how uniform the formation is. If you trace each spear point to its opposite point, you might begin to notice a sort of sigil-code taking shape. In spear-ish, this code translates to: Look at all these spears! Which is a sort of bullish rallying cry meant to reinforce notions of spear-iority. Truly fiendish. Here’s the next shot:

Yes, Messmer, the DLC’s new antagonist, I know, I know. But what’s that he’s got clutched in his hand? It’s spears all the way down! Spear-oboros! I’m honestly too overcome with revelations for words, so I will leave the shot-by-shot analysis here, partly to leave the remaining spears for you to discover, but mostly because this shitpost had run its course by the second paragraph. I hope this was of use to you intrepid lore hunters, but if it wasn’t, I’m keen to highlight that my headline has the words ‘Elden Ring’ and ‘rated’ in the title, which I assume is how my writing will be judged from here on out.